Some friends have noticed that large parts of the journal have gone missing. I will try to explain. The purpose behind these entries is to throw some light on the blog. It is the blog which matters to me. I came to a point in the journal itself, where things were starting to get a little complicated. This meant a number of other actors had to be drawn into my story. Some of these individuals are not unknown to the broader community. I asked myself what right I had to introduce them into this space without their prior knowledge or right of reply. But also if I was to dig deep into my own past and offer it up for examination, what would that ultimately achieve? And would I have ulterior motives? The temptation to present myself as someone “more wronged against than wronged” and to justify my actions in places where I perhaps should not, or even to exaggerate my battles, both the losses and the gains, would more than likely prove too strong. The spiritual intellect is willing, but the flesh is weak. For now at least, some of the old wounds are not wholly healed. “There is only one thing that I dread: not to be worthy of my sufferings” (Dostoevsky). That is, to fall short of our destiny. Later when the winter chill has pricked more deeply into my bones, I will attempt to write those chapters again. I believe the goal of a writer, whatever his or her merits, is neither the arousal of pity nor the soliciting for admiration… but the offering of HOPE and the testimony of the “worthiness of life” (Viktor Frankl).
What I will now do here in this space is to share some morsels of insight into my reading and love for music. This week for example, I have been revisiting Pablo Neruda’s marvellous memoir (even great poets with an obsession for beautiful shells could be deceived by “Uncle Joe” Stalin), and been listening to Cesaria Evora (the “Barefoot Diva”). From the Scriptures, I have been reading Deuteronomy. Surprisingly for many people, it is the only book from which Christ quotes directly when speaking to the devil in the wilderness.
Certainly, there will be times when I pass commentary on my past. It would be impossible otherwise. How else can we slay the dragon?